Recovering from my injuries has kept me at home in my bed with my feet elevated for 99% of this past year. I spend a lot of time on Hulu.com, watching all of the movies and television shows Hulu serves up to us American sheep. Since I enjoy many of the awesome animes that Hulu has to offer, I find myself writing about them & recommending them to my online friends & family. I have many friends here on dA who are not from the United States and every time I find myself going on about how awesome the show I just watched on Hulu.com is, I am quickly reminded that to many of you Hulu is an un-obtainable luxury, just like a wife with good looks who cooks and cleans is un-obtainable for us Americans.
So why are we yanks hording all of the Hulu.com awsomeness to ourselves? I can hear your answers from here.
"BECAUSE YOU'RE GREEDY, FAT, SELF INDULGENT WANKERS, YOU BLOODY CUNT!"
Well, I can't altar America's foreign image all at once but I can try to explain why you crazy foreigners aren't aloud inside the hallowed halls of holy Hulu.com.
The answer is simple: Hulu is a conspiracy to make us all mindless media addicts. They were very blunt about this fact from the very beginning. Remember the first Hulu television commercial? Watch it at this
and you will immediately understand the truth.
Enter: The nefarious tentacles! They're aliens. It's how they roll!
Hulu sounds like shorthand or slang for Cthulhu, the evil flying octopus headed monster with mind control powers who lives in the sea and does Cthulhu things there. Cthulhu's buddies actually call him Hulu because it's easier to say, especially for his friends who also have squirmy tentacles where their mouths should be. Fret not, my fine foreign friends! The mighty ctHULhU will be done feasting on our spongy, overweight, delectably arrogant American brains soon enough, at which time your healthier, more nutritious albeit somewhat more sinewy brains will be next on the menu. Patience, young grasshoppers. Patience.
Perhaps that they are mind-controlling octopus bats is what they WANT you to believe... Maybe the real truth is something far less interesting, something more along the lines of this next tragically unfortunate business snafu:
Most (not all) of the shows on Hulu.com are produced by the American television networks. That means they must have to pay royalties and / or a set fee for each viewing. They must not have worked out or been able to implement a feasible way to allow global viewing and still keep their "one commercial per commercial break" formula profitable, especially since the products advertised during that commercial break are pretty much exclusively American products and the commercials are specifically targeting the American consumer. It isn't an effective use of advertising revenue to try to sell a product like a family sized mini-van to random people who may have no use for it, no access to it and perhaps no way to pay for it. If Hulu had a world audience, the advertisers would pay much less than they do since more often than not, their message would be heard by people who can't or won't buy their product. By keeping everything restricted to American viewers, the advertisers can be sure that they are being heard by the exact group of potential customers they want to sell to. Plus, I could only imagine what kind of nightmare it would be to have to keep track of worldwide viewing statistics and maintain the massive system that hosting all of that video feed to the entire world would require. Also, the show comments would be full of crazy ish from a million different languages and cultures. It would suck. It would suck even more to have to moderate.
I think that the U.K. and probably the whole E.U. will see Hulu or something very similar very soon. It's all about marketing demographics and being able to effectively market products to the viewers who have the most chance of buying those products. Why throw a net when you can shoot the fish with laser guided fish seeking missles?
Whatever the case may be, Cthulu still has my vote next time! He said it would be the only way he'd let me watch the entire Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood series with decent English voice acting and no subtitles! Who could resist? Suuure, I could watch one or two episodes at a time on the Cartoon Network's adultswim.com but THE ENTIRE SERIES?? We love you, Cthulu Jeebus!